Saturday, December 24, 2011
In the middle of answering the question, "How was 2011 for you?", I realized that I had quite a number of crises this year. During our annual Christmas dinner, my three office friends were eagerly listening to my response to the question, and like always, while sharing my answer, my train of thought was changing lanes: thoughts of what I learned about friendship this year manifested and I shared what was in my head.
I realized that my closest friends in the office are not really the people I hang out with outside workplace. I mean, we really spend majority of our lives with each other and we had an unbreakable bond already so that's why we don't tambay in the weekends like we used to.
I realized I needed my friends outside the work area.
I had a female friend whom I thought was my soulmate. She resented that I called her my fag hag before. But after years of dealing with her immaturity and angst, I realize she's nothing but a fucking hag. That sounds cruel but there's no other way to call her but that after what she has been doing to me. That deserves another blog entry, I guess.
Majority of my friends outside work are the PLUs I met in so many groups. I used to be part of a lot of factions of guys who claim to be straight-acting. The consensus of these groups was that we hung out with people who didn't seem to be obviously gay, fashion-wise, looks-wise, and behavior-wise. Of course, I was naive back then and I needed affirmation that I was okay despite my sexual orientation. Time came when I got sick of these people because the groups transformed into fishing ponds for flings and relationships. That was back in 2001-02.
Around the same time, I founded another group when I felt that my first group was beginning to get shallow. This is where I met Mugen and Rocco who have become my closest friends ever since. We were part of this group who's more accepting than the previous one and the bonding times were memorable because everyone was acting who they really were.
At one point, I asked myself: am I friends with these people because of our sexual orientation?
Before I thought of it as a big deal since I lived most of my life in the shadow, suppressing my opinions and ideas because of the fear of rejection and other people finding out that I am gay. So it was really a big, big deal that I became a part of a group who knew the real me.
Another side question: is my sexual orientation all there is to me?
Apparently not. I realized that the people whom I really could relate to and call friends are the ones whom share with a special kind of belief, lifestyle, principles. I could be 100% honest with them and we trust each other completely.
Among more than three to four dozens of people within the group, I could think of only five people whom I would trust with my life--whom I would be able to share everything there is about me; whom I would never tire of hanging out with and bonding with.
Good thing is that, at the latter part of 2011, I resolved to hang out with two of these five people more often. And I am glad that in the last three months, we were together for quite a number of weekends, probably more than the number of times we hung out in the previous five years.
To Mugen and Rocco, you are my Christmas gifts this year. Thank you for the gift of friendship and brotherhood. Merry Christmas to both of you and see you guys, soon!
Posted by Super Mario P. at 10:05 AM